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Shay's Place

Her name is Curtis

Letting Go

I’ll be honest. Because it seems that my poetry isn’t really the biggest hit, I’m no longer going to post any of it here unless requested. That’s becoming a waste of time.

Anyway, letting go in all aspects of my life is something that I have a hard time doing. I can let go of something physically with no problems. When it comes to letting go of something emotionally or mentally is a different story. For example, I’ve dealt with a women on and off for three years. Yes we were a couple.

She and I was a couple but we are no longer together. Physically, I let her go. But getting over her emotionally is the hardest part for me. This is all old news as I’ve since found someone new, but the point I’m trying to make is that even though she’s not with me, she’s still with me. That’s why I don’t understand how people can just fall out of love with someone so quickly. If it took a while for you to fall in love with them, it should take you a while to get over them, in my opinion. I can forget about someone, but letting them go in my head is the issue for me.

Not just with people but with anything. I feel that there is something within me that I’m hanging on to but I just do not know what it can be. Is it fear? Is it anxiety? I can’t really put my finger on it. I’ve used to be a very clumsy person but I’ve gotten better over the years. Now I feel that in my carefulness, I stumble more on my words and worry too much about my next move. I tend to over plan, overthink and overall just overdo whatever it is that I need to do. It can get bothersome to the point that I just want to sit in a corner, cover my head and hide from everyone and everything.

This new woman that I’m dating is the complete opposite. She doesn’t plan and doesn’t worry too much about the next day let alone the next week. She is the definition of going with the flow. Besides just telling me that I will be alright, she shows me this thing that I think is a flaw can be a gift if I know how to manifest it. I just have to let go of whatever mental block that I may have that is stopping me from doing and being the best I can be. It is a slow process but I’m getting good at it.

Letting go can be difficult but it is totally worth the work and effort. Just think to yourself, what value does this person or thing bring to your life? If they were to disappear and you didn’t know about it, would it even effect you in a drastic way? If the answer is no then just let it go. Once I understood this, letting go became easier to me. Most people and things are just taking up valuable space in my life anyway.

Museum

I am the dusty display that is forgotten in the corner of the room

I am the exhibit that is behind the newer ones, I’m left there obligatorily

I am the stolen facts, the past centuries, the trespassed tombs, the stolen artifacts

I am the rare find, the foreign word and the undeniable crisis

yet I’m passed by for the newer displays put in front of me.

Only to those willing to seek me

To the eyes that read me, who adore me, who enjoy me, who appreciates me

To the ones who seek me, who run to me, who’s not afraid to share their knowledge of me

To those that embrace me, research me, cherish the fact that they found me

I am on display for the world and your eyes to see, hidden behind the veil

Only the seekers of truth will find power in me.

 

Silent Black Bubble

You never really know loneliness until you experienced it. I’m not talking about the kind of loneliness where you are sipping wine and binge watching your favorite shows on your favorite streaming network alone on a Friday night. No, I’m talking about the kind of loneliness where you are trapped in its bubble for the entire day, the entire week, the entire month,

the entire year…

And in this deep dark spell of loneliness, it is silent. The sound of silence outside of the typical noise of everyday is crippling at times. From the moment you rise with the sun, to the moment that you fall asleep with the Sandman, it is silent. Phony cordialities and shallow conversations are the only times that you speak to others at all. Even when you’re surrounded by a huge group of people, you still just feel like a fly on the wall, a pest that is searching for a way out of the room before anyone will notice that you’re there. When you’re actually alone in a room, you are trying to escape the noise you hear in your head and because it is so silent in the room other than maybe miniscule background noises, the voices can be so loud that all you can do is fall asleep to try and ignore them only to wake up and deal with everything all over again.

There is no escaping this bubble of loneliness. You do not want to reach out because countless times you feel as though you are a burden and people will think that you are just being overwhelmed or you’re just overthinking. Stop telling me that I’m overthinking. Why can’t I or someone else actually go through this day in and day out? It is exhausting to know that you have really no one that will truly understand this situation and even more exhausting to know that many people are unwilling to understand or try. Because of the awkwardness between myself and the people that I may speak to on each blue moon, I try to avoid interactions not because I’m shy or afraid to speak. I just know that they will be unwilling to continue speaking to me and we’ll fall back to the irritating routine of phony cordialities and shallow conversations.

Even if you ever find someone that will understand your plight, you still fell so deep within this dark bubble, it is hard trying to escape it. Feels more like an anchor on an already sunken ship. Maybe I don’t need a companion, a partner, a confidant, or a spouse. Maybe I don’t need anyone in my space due to many failing to relate or even wanting to. You ever just get the feeling that no one wants you? Not just in a relationship sense but in a friendship or cohort sense. It feels as though life has turned its back on you and you’re just within your own little bubble hanging on to what is presumed to be reality. That’s why most times I just feel like I’m just here. No reason, no purpose, no initial point of why I was even born. It just feels like life is a wet pavement and I’m trying to enjoy it by drawing plans for the future with chalk that will wash away as soon as I put it there.

In the words of Danny Brown,

Everybody say, you got a lot to be proud of
Been high this whole time, don’t realize what I done

Cause when I’m all alone, feel like no one care
Isolate myself and don’t go nowhere

I guess I’ll have to figure it out…

 

The NY

How many years have passed that you remembered how you celebrated the coming of a New Year? Do you even remember last New Year’s Eve when you got so drunk, you kissed this person and puked soon afterwards? That person thought it was them that made you puke. It was actually those tequila shots that your friend warned you about when you walked into whatever spot you and your friends decided to go to that night. Sounds like you had a good night out on New Year’s Eve, right? Enjoy the New Year.

But what is so special about that night that made it any different from any other night out? The prices to get into places around this time are more expensive. The places are too crowded and what exactly are you celebrating? Did you accomplish any of the goals that you said you were going to accomplish when bringing in 2016 last New Year’s Eve?  What is the point of celebrating yet another year where you’re most likely are going to be complacent yet again?

I’m not trying to sound like the rain on your parade, but really think about the concept of New Year’s Eve celebrations. People are really willing to pay more money just to do the same thing that they’ve done in the past during the year anyway. That’s not a celebration, in my opinion. Being around people I don’t know, drinking expensive alcohol just for the sake of drinking it, and not even remembering the day of celebration doesn’t sound like a celebration to me. A personal celebration such as a birthday or an anniversary is something you can celebrate in that manner because it is personal to you. But to celebrate a regular day just for the sake of “starting over” isn’t really logical. Kind of like celebrating the end of the month because you’re just that excited to start a new month.

The way people celebrate the NY should be the way people celebrate life everyday. I’m not saying to become an alcoholic or to party all the time (word to Eddie Murphy), but to cherish each day as if it is your last. Enjoy the gifts of life each day. The you today is different from the you of yesterday. The way people celebrate NYE/NY is kind of strange to me. I used to partake in the festivities of NYE, but it became mundane because of that fact that it was a waste of time, money and energy. Kind of like many holidays that we celebrate each year.

Don’t wait until NYE/NY to celebrate new beginnings. Don’t wait until the year is practically over to say that you’re going to make a change. It should be a NYE, new you everyday. Don’t become complacent. Make a change.

I’m excited for the New You. Let’s make 2017 and the rest of our lives worth it. Don’t allow your worth to be summed up in the crap you did, or didn’t, do in one year. The opportunities and the chances are unlimited. One year will never do to accomplish them all, but you can definitely strive to accomplish most of them.

Welcome to the new you (NY). In 2017 and the for the rest of my life, it’s going to be a NYE (new you everyday). Live it up!

Missed Train of Thought

To be alone does not mean that you don’t have people surrounding you. To be in a big room and feel invisible is how it feels to be alone. To go through the day as a ghost of your shell is how it feels to be alone. Do people see me? No one seems to see me. Silence surrounds me while there is noise in the room. To say that I am within a bubble is an understatement.

People fail to dive deep into the mind of other people for fear of what they may find there. In the shallow end of the pool, your feet will always touch the floor, but many people who are not used to swimming will always stay close to the shallow end for fear of their feet not touching the ground. Why wouldn’t you want to float? We go through life trying to stay afloat anyway. Why not take that chance with another human and float around their mind to see what you find.

You may find that the mind can be a place of self destruction if it is not structured correctly. It can collapse onto itself at any minute if you are not careful. Has my mind collapse which is why people do not want to venture in to it? Is it not safe anymore?

It can be a dangerous place to go, even for me. So I understand the notion.

Therefore, if I’m afraid to go that far into my own mind, why should I expect for someone to do the same?

Perhaps to maybe one day save me from my own mentality. To know that I have an anchor back into the real world if I were to ever drift away, I will feel better rather than wandering as would a ghost with no where to go but to float and to drift. Many times, companionship goes deeper than love. To have a partner that is able to dive into that forbidden room with me to know and to understand its layout, as would I with that person, we will be able to navigate in case things were to go horribly wrong.

But aforementioned, no one is willing to dive that deep into my psyche. Until that time comes where I can maintain a state of stability and calm, I will be in my own little bubble waiting, reaching, and wondering if anyone will find me, grab my by the hand and allow me to navigate through my mind as well as me through theirs.

Because we’re all just manifestations of our mentality anyway. Our Brain is king. Why would it want us to leave?

I don’t want to leave. I just don’t want to be trapped.

Loneliness is a mental state in which you are within the bubble of your mind and you can’t get out. Most is lost in the mind. Perhaps I’m lost too.

What a Perfect Idea

Reality is just and idea.

Ideas are just that; an idea.

So if reality is just an idea

Then the idea of reality doesn’t exist

Therefore, what is reality?

Reality is what you make of it based off of your own personal ideas.

So if your idea of reality is being alone then so be it.

People say that I’ve lost touch with reality.

I’ve lost touch with your reality. My idea of reality is far above and beyond what your idea of reality is. But this isn’t to be confused with someone’s ideal reality. Your idea of reality may be different than your ideal reality.

My idea of reality is being tolerated by society and being able to speak whatever I want without judgment or persecution. My idea of reality is living in peace with myself and making sure I live this life the best I can before I die.

My ideal reality is to be seen for being human, not for being a woman, a black woman, a black queer woman, a black, queer, educated woman, a black queer educated, natural woman, a black queer educated natural, fearless woman….

The list of who I am as a woman goes on

But what about this human do you like? Strip all of that away and you will come to the ideal reality of mankind as a whole.

At the base of idealistic realizations, the ideal truth is far unreachable.

Unless we lower the bar for us to be able to reach that ideal and make it a reality that can be more than an idea.

So what’s your reality? Any great ideas?

 

Person or Persona?

I wonder what it would be like to be able to kiss you deeply for more than five seconds and ours eyes closed? I wonder how good it would be to be able to be free from the mental chains that are Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and the like? How awesome would it be to go back to a time where if you met someone that you liked, you had to get their number right then and there or you will lose contact with them forever? What ever happened to chance encounters? When was the last time you told yourself that you met someone by chance and not from Facebook? Nowadays you know the background of the person before even speaking to them. What is the purpose of going out with them then? To verify what you read about them online? To see if they’re lying? What is the initial purpose? Why do people seek validation from people that shouldn’t matter to you in the first place? Why does it bother you that you like the person on the outside by on the internet they seem to be a different person? That person is the same person, but felt that they can really be themselves in a place that is faceless and all you have are names of people who are whatever they want to be. Only the name that appears is what you see, so why does it bother most people that the things you see may not actually be me? What ever happened to knowing the person, not the persona? Whatever happened to word of mouth versus word on the web?

I wonder what it would be like to kiss you deeply for more than five seconds without a flash of a picture, an audience or the world knowing that we are kissing each other. Just for a second we lived in the moment without the burden of sharing this intimate moment. Those days are forever gone. Everything and every body will forever need an audience.

But for one moment, allow me to kiss you for more than five seconds. Just you and I and the kiss that will forever seal our connection which is deeper than being Facebook official anyway.

The Reveal

I may not be the ideal
For the world’s appeal
How I feel
I can deal
Because to be silent is to reveal
What’s really real
Exposing the false idols
Of false idols
Remaining idle
Against my rivals
Having the upper hand
To the blinded 3rd eye unreliables
Knowing that my existence
In a world where my persistence
Is trumped by the ignorance
Of the people and their allegiance
I know that my difference
Is under microscopic vision….

To be me
To see me
I am the reckoned force
But yet the last choice

But in due time
The world will witness the reveal

Don’t be blinded by the blinding of the world through blind 3rd eyes and lies of knowledge and revelations….

It’s Your Fault

It’s America’s fault that 50 people are dead and 53 people were injured in a nightclub in Orlando, FL. It is every person fault who were ever against anyone in the LGBT community that this happened. It is the fault of America’s gun laws. It is ridiculous that this continues to happen in America and we so called care so much about this country. We are close to electing a psychopath as the president of the United States. But we care about the people of this country so much? It is your fault that the media continues to shove ISIS down your throat to the point that you are believing that all Muslims are to blame for the violence of this country when it is really the country itself that you should blame. It is really the fault of all the people who preach about how this is a horrible country because of the people who choose to not be like them.

It is your fault, America. You care so much after the fact but will anyone that is considered a minority in this country catch a break? Black people are dying. People of the LGBTQ communities are dying. People of the Muslim faith are dying and are being prosecuted for things that they have nothing to do with all because of the media’s focus on ISIS and terrorism. Yes, it happens, but you cannot prosecute an entire group of people due to the acts of a small few. Is the presumptive majority, white people, prosecuted for their acts that they have done to America for years? The majority are using the weak minds of the minorities by allowing ourselves to blame each other for the madness of this country when really all of us play a role of the downfall of America.

No matter what your origin is, you will be a target. Rather you be black. Muslim, LGBTQ, or anything that is not close to being seen as acceptable to the majority, then you will be targeted. If your influence isn’t beneficial to this world or speaks as a threat to this world then you will be targeted. It is America’s fault that this continues to happen and it will not stop until the people who are deemed the minority rise up against the majority.

We can show them who the real majority is. The real majority are the people who are teased for being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or just different. The real majority are the people who are black or anyone who are looked at differently because of the color of their skin. the real majority are the people who choose to have a different faith and believe in something higher differently than the rest of society. We all are the real majority and together we can take a stand against the hatred towards of from the government, mass terrorist groups, all racist groups, and the world that stands to get rid of us.

As a queer black woman myself, I am disgusted with the state America is in right now. The murder of innocent people will be justified all because people will reason that they shouldn’t be that way in the first place. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Are you kidding me?

Do you think that people that are LGBTQ choose to be this way knowing the risks that are involved? Do you think people of color choose to be this way knowing the risks that are involved? Do you think people of any faith, particularly the Muslim faith, choose to believe in what they believe knowing the risks involved? They are that way because they are that way. You can argue that it is a choice but why would someone choose to be a target purposefully? Ponder on that for a second.

If anyone has pride in us, it will have to be the people within our circles, within our communities to have pride enough in themselves to continue to fight for what is right. There is nothing wrong with love no matter what kind you rather receive. There are many sick individuals in this world. We are focused on the wrong things. Two men kissing is more disgusting then the rape of innocent women? Two women holding hands is more disgusting to you than the murder of innocent people enjoying a night out? A transgender man or a transgender woman is more disgusting to you than the genocide of innocent people? What is more important to you? Which is more disgusting to you? What is done as part of my business or what is done in this world that will affect you and your future?

America needs to get a hold of what is going on in this country. If we keep allowing this to go, then America, along with the rest of the world, will crumble. We can speak about the violence all day. We can make Facebook posts, create vigils and pay our respects but in reality, as long as they are doing what they’re doing, we will continue to get dished what we allow them to dish. After a week or so, this will all be forgotten about, just like the rest of the tragedies happening in America.

We need to rise up, wise up and figure out a way to stop them. But for every word you spoke against any person that has been prosecuted for being who they were meant to being in the eyes of the Most High, it is your fault. These are people who are dead. What they choose to be shouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that these families have lost a piece of rare gold forever.

Shame on you America. Shame on the people of this world.

Shame…

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