So what is respect? I’m sure people respect me but do they respect me enough to actually like me? I’ll be honest with you folks, I’m self conscience of myself. Not because I have low self esteem because if anyone love me then it’ll have to be me. But I’m self conscience because I know myself enough to know that I may be someone that will not find that person that will accept me for who I truly am. Now I know in the beginning things may seem perfect and that’s to be expected. But after that, it’s usually down hill from there. They grow tired of me or I find a way to screw things up. I sometimes think myself to be someone that does not attract people who are out to seek happiness like I am. I run into people that respect me enough to tolerate me but that’s it. They don’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. They don’t respect me enough to return my phone calls or to even reach out to me. They don’t respect me enough to show me that they at least want to be a friend. I’m just a goal for them to see if they can get into my pants. I’m so naive at times I let them. Not because I want to but I feel as though I have to in order to get that respect. Most times I fall short and end up hurting myself in the end.

I’m looked at as someone that speaks her mind. I don’t bite my tongue for anyone but why do I sometimes bite my tongue when it comes to matters that involve me peraonally? This is the real meaning of insanity. Maybe this is how I’m destined to live. You have to train yourself in a way that you know you’ll be ok. I guess I’m ok alone so I train myself to be of such. Alone.

But then the sad part about this is that  when someone comes and gives you that respect, you wouldn’t know it because you’ve trained yourself to live behind walls. You’ve trained yourself to enjoy your loneliness. You are so caught up in that, you forget what it’s like to enjoy the company of someone else. You may miss out because of all the trials that you’ve went through, they’ve all ended in error. How would I know?

I respect myself enough to allow myself to be happy. And I guess that’s all the respect I’ll ever need. At the end of the day, it’s up to me to know the difference between real respect and false respect. In the end I’ll have my own self worth to fall back on.

And no one can take that away from me. So I’ll be ok alone or otherwise.

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