You never really know loneliness until you experienced it. I’m not talking about the kind of loneliness where you are sipping wine and binge watching your favorite shows on your favorite streaming network alone on a Friday night. No, I’m talking about the kind of loneliness where you are trapped in its bubble for the entire day, the entire week, the entire month,
the entire year…
And in this deep dark spell of loneliness, it is silent. The sound of silence outside of the typical noise of everyday is crippling at times. From the moment you rise with the sun, to the moment that you fall asleep with the Sandman, it is silent. Phony cordialities and shallow conversations are the only times that you speak to others at all. Even when you’re surrounded by a huge group of people, you still just feel like a fly on the wall, a pest that is searching for a way out of the room before anyone will notice that you’re there. When you’re actually alone in a room, you are trying to escape the noise you hear in your head and because it is so silent in the room other than maybe miniscule background noises, the voices can be so loud that all you can do is fall asleep to try and ignore them only to wake up and deal with everything all over again.
There is no escaping this bubble of loneliness. You do not want to reach out because countless times you feel as though you are a burden and people will think that you are just being overwhelmed or you’re just overthinking. Stop telling me that I’m overthinking. Why can’t I or someone else actually go through this day in and day out? It is exhausting to know that you have really no one that will truly understand this situation and even more exhausting to know that many people are unwilling to understand or try. Because of the awkwardness between myself and the people that I may speak to on each blue moon, I try to avoid interactions not because I’m shy or afraid to speak. I just know that they will be unwilling to continue speaking to me and we’ll fall back to the irritating routine of phony cordialities and shallow conversations.
Even if you ever find someone that will understand your plight, you still fell so deep within this dark bubble, it is hard trying to escape it. Feels more like an anchor on an already sunken ship. Maybe I don’t need a companion, a partner, a confidant, or a spouse. Maybe I don’t need anyone in my space due to many failing to relate or even wanting to. You ever just get the feeling that no one wants you? Not just in a relationship sense but in a friendship or cohort sense. It feels as though life has turned its back on you and you’re just within your own little bubble hanging on to what is presumed to be reality. That’s why most times I just feel like I’m just here. No reason, no purpose, no initial point of why I was even born. It just feels like life is a wet pavement and I’m trying to enjoy it by drawing plans for the future with chalk that will wash away as soon as I put it there.
In the words of Danny Brown,
I guess I’ll have to figure it out…