Shay's Place

Her name is Curtis

What’s Respect?

So what is respect? I’m sure people respect me but do they respect me enough to actually like me? I’ll be honest with you folks, I’m self conscience of myself. Not because I have low self esteem because if anyone love me then it’ll have to be me. But I’m self conscience because I know myself enough to know that I may be someone that will not find that person that will accept me for who I truly am. Now I know in the beginning things may seem perfect and that’s to be expected. But after that, it’s usually down hill from there. They grow tired of me or I find a way to screw things up. I sometimes think myself to be someone that does not attract people who are out to seek happiness like I am. I run into people that respect me enough to tolerate me but that’s it. They don’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. They don’t respect me enough to return my phone calls or to even reach out to me. They don’t respect me enough to show me that they at least want to be a friend. I’m just a goal for them to see if they can get into my pants. I’m so naive at times I let them. Not because I want to but I feel as though I have to in order to get that respect. Most times I fall short and end up hurting myself in the end.

I’m looked at as someone that speaks her mind. I don’t bite my tongue for anyone but why do I sometimes bite my tongue when it comes to matters that involve me peraonally? This is the real meaning of insanity. Maybe this is how I’m destined to live. You have to train yourself in a way that you know you’ll be ok. I guess I’m ok alone so I train myself to be of such. Alone.

But then the sad part about this is that  when someone comes and gives you that respect, you wouldn’t know it because you’ve trained yourself to live behind walls. You’ve trained yourself to enjoy your loneliness. You are so caught up in that, you forget what it’s like to enjoy the company of someone else. You may miss out because of all the trials that you’ve went through, they’ve all ended in error. How would I know?

I respect myself enough to allow myself to be happy. And I guess that’s all the respect I’ll ever need. At the end of the day, it’s up to me to know the difference between real respect and false respect. In the end I’ll have my own self worth to fall back on.

And no one can take that away from me. So I’ll be ok alone or otherwise.



Maybe I’m not pretty enough. Maybe I’m not small enough. Maybe I’m just not smart enough. Why can’t I just be enough? Maybe if I were to post more pictures on social media, I will get more people’s attention. Maybe if I posted more of anything anywhere anytime and was more available for people then maybe more people will like me.

Maybe I’m too black? Does my black skin intimidate you? Maybe if I was white I’ll receive more attention from the masses. Maybe my hair isn’t long enough. My short fro took me awhile to get used to. It took me awhile to even embrace my short natural hair. But what if I was to cut it all off and start over? Would that even matter?

Maybe if I stopped writing so much and started talking more then people would take me seriously. Maybe if I read more fiction I can understand what it means to be a human being. Fiction isn’t real nor is it real to be what society wants you to be, but you will continue to mold yourself to be it anyway. Maybe if I learned more about the lies that were taught in school then maybe I can relate more to the crap that comes out  of many people’s mouths.

Maybe if I was taller I can reach the stars and touch the moon and the sun. Maybe if I was born in a different era, I can have the experience of having nothing to possibly having everything. Maybe if I was born to different parents then my life would be much different than it is. I love my parents but what if that even made a difference if I was someone else’s child?

Maybe I should commit suicide. What difference would it make to live in this world of give and take or take and take and more take and take some more and take until you don’t have anything else to take? Just take my life why don’t you? Only give me a half hearted story about how you’re sorry. Just maybe this may be the solution, but I’m not a loser and I will not give up on this life no matter how much it may be difficult.

Maybe if I was a mute then I’ll be forced to listen to the things that people are saying. But I will not have no other way to express my deepest of emotions without the voice that booms from my throat. Maybe if I was deaf, I would not be able to hear the crap but at the same time, I will not be able to listen to the things that are meaningful to my life today. Music will mean nothing to me if I was deaf. Maybe I should be blind. I wouldn’t be able to see people but I’ll hear them and speak to them. But what good is the little beauty in the world if you’re not able to see it?

Maybe I should face the reality of my being and just be who I was born to be. Who is that person? Since I don’t know then I have the chance to create a person that is of my image. I will create a person that I would be proud to see in the mirror everyday. Maybe I should mold myself into an imaginary creature that is too rare to even be in existence. Maybe then when I’m gone to the next phase in life, I’ll be the rare being that existed only in her own mind.

Maybe if I lost my mind then I will be free of it. But because my world is all in my mind, If I lose my mind then I will lose myself. Then I will forever be mentally dead. I’ll be better off dead if I were to lose my mind.

Maybe I’m just overthinking. Or is it possible that people are not thinking enough?

One day I just may be…

When will one day be?

Mind Games

The heart speaks what the mind keeps silent

Unspoken are words that may change the minds of the perturbed.


Are these images in my head…

But would I rather seek solace in them?

Or in the words that are unspoken and will be with me until I’m dead


Long gone


Alive is my body but my mind is racing

No finish line is in sight so my legs find the strength

To continue this race

Against all odds of ever winning

But this is only the beginning

This start is that of one ending

Sending me

Mixed signals and obvious signs

That I missed, remaining blind

I’m oblivious

I see what the heart wants

But the mind plays tricks

So what you want is only what you think


So sink

Deep into your consciousness

Becoming unconscious

One must sense that

Since that

Sixth sense is meant to

Dive deep into my unconsciousness

Then what sense

Will it make if I was to make sense

Of this conscious state

If I’m not aware of what makes me conscious

Then unconsciously

I seek sense in the unknown

To know what is known

But to know more is to want to explore more unknowns

Causing our minds to encompass more unknowns

So what we don’t know may never be what we already know

Making it so

That our minds are so unpredictable

But predictable is that our heart beats


Allowing us to speak freely

What our minds refuse to speak…



Some minds may be

But maybe

It’s only as deep as

Your consciousness allows it to be

You seek what you dare to seek

You dive into the unknowns that dare peak

Your interests

But to not know

Does that make it interesting?

If so then why must you want to know?

In the back of our consciousness

We must understand what makes us to be

But to be

Is to be aware

That there are unknowns out there

That are meant to remain unknown

If shown

Then their cover is blown

Causing us to become a part of a permanent unconscious state

But at what rate

Do we dare speak

The resolution to our fates?

If you know what is to happen

Will you speak for your conscious sake?

Or will you match the somber rhythm of your heart

And detach and become a part

Of the silence?

Our sixth sense is there to make sense

Of the parallels that makes us able

To put a noun and a verb together to make a sentence.

What’s the use of writing words in any tense?

If we fail to make sense of the words

That remain speechless

We text this, speak less and write speeches

But remain speechless making our words useless

Meaningless to the usefulness of our consciousness

But left in the unknown are the words in our unconsciousness

That we leave there because our heart beats more or less

To the impulsive beats of the predictable liveliness

That is our life in silence


Our minds are truly one of madness

We see these images and dare not speak of their awareness

Sadness and depression is the aftermath of this succession

The cycle of ignorance will continue to flourish

We love so hard but can never think in such a manner

What’s the use of our words if we just speak useless banter?

To change the way our minds are filled with the uncertainty of the unknown

Seek what is known and what is there

To become more aware of the things that we all share

In common

Too busy finding unknowns in the differences in our existence

While we can know the similarities to have some clarity

In this world shared by you and me


If we all come to the reality that we all die at the end of this thing

Then what’s the point of hiding

And not speaking what the mind wants to say so badly?

Our hearts are so predictable

Would this land be here if we loved it so?

Will there even be a prison if we used our hearts, really?

What’s the point of it all if we can’t think freely?


To really get deep

Say what you need, not what you feel

Most likely what you feel isn’t really real

What you feel is what you think you feel

That’s the mind playing a trick

So if this is the case then none of this is real

So who’s to say what any of this means

If even you don’t even know what any of this means

We make up things to make sense of the unknown

Making more unknowns for us to make known

If this is the case, then nothing is known

And what we learn is forever lost

In the words that the heart speak and the mind keeps locked in silently

What is there to unlock?

What use is there of the key?


We sink deep into our unconsciousness

To maybe seek refuge from all of this mess

With no clue what is fake and what is reality

This is the true definition of insanity

But what is insane

May not ever be

Did my mind just play another trick on me?


The Zone

I have a tendency to “zone out” and people believe that I’m losing my mind. I’m not losing my mind. Your mind is losing you. Understand what I’m saying. Many of the times when I zone out, all of the talking, the pointless noises and chatter fall into the background and I am in the zone. I see the other world outside of this one and I need to be there. I will do pretty much anything to get to that place that is away from this one here.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy this life that I’m living. I feel depressed at times but I’m only human. What human do you know that is always happy? If they seem happy all of the time then trust me, the door is always closed to what is really going on behind it. I want to go to that peaceful place that is “the zone” and live there for a little bit if not forever.

I get tired of the mundane things that we as humans have to do day in and day out just to survive. We live on a planet where we have to pay to live anywhere. What kind of foolishness is this? People may say, “well how would we make money”? I’ll say that there was a time that we didn’t have to make money. We just traded for the goods that we needed. Do you need sugar? I need salt. Let’s make a fair trade. And the deal was done. You got what you needed and I got what I needed and we went on with our lives. Now we have to bust our butts just to make it to work. It’s getting ridiculous. This is no way to live.

Do we even live anymore? Because we are breathing and walking around does that mean that we are living? We can be sustaining the soul that is inside of us to make sure we don’t die, but do you call that living? At heart, we are animals. Animals roam freely and don’t have to worry about paying for anything or living for anything. They are living to survive, but I’m sure they are aware that they can do whatever they want in their personal domains. The only burden they have is us. As soon as we come around, they have to remain alert. We are the aliens on this planet. Everything else look at us and wonder why we are even here.

Why are we even here? How deep does this zone goes? I want to find out. The deepest form of peace is death. I’m not condoning suicide, but to have to kill yourself to get to that ultimate level of peace is beautiful to me. Kind of like that movie “Inception” with Leonardo DiCaprio. What if we are living a dream and we have to die to wake up? What if the zone is me looking out to myself trying to tell myself to wake up? Am I even real?

Is the zone even real?

Why even question things if we don’t know the answer to them? Why look for answers if there will be more questions?

Is everything just a perception of our thoughts? Is this universe just one big thought and we’re just living in a thought bubble of someone else’s head?

Are we their zone? What game is the outer most universe is playing with us?

What will it takes to seek real peace with one self without the need for death?

But if death is inevitable then with death comes peace.

Peace is inevitable within us too which is why we rest in it.

I daydream too much. Let’s get back to reality, whatever that may be.


Baby Steps

I’ve always hated my voice but I loved to write because it was the voices in my head that were allowing me to write the words. I tend to make other personalities for those inner voices and thoughts. The person that I am won’t allow me to speak those words out loud so I have to make other personalities to get those words out there.

I thought that the perfect place to do this is the media. From what I know about the media, the media can be a scary place. Once I understood what the industry was about, I found out that it wasn’t so bad. I started learning the behind the scenes magic of radio and video and I realized that this is the right place for me. When people say, “walk a day in my shoes”, I can really allow people to do this because when they see something or hear something that I produced, they are listening to it the way that I heard it in my head and the way that I saw it with my own eyes. They  will be able to see my vision on the screen or in their ears the way I did. It’s a surreal experience and I love it.

Now I am able to allow my baby steps to evolve into a legacy that I’m hoping to leave behind when I inevitably go on to the next life. Not only am I learning how to work a camera or manage a sound board, I’m managing on how to give the world my shoes and allow them to be me for a day or two.


<a href=””>Learning</a&gt;


What is it to Dream?

Dreams are vivid

You live it

You may feel it

But can you feel how real it is?

Or how real it isn’t?

How can you tell the difference?

You seek the vision of a happy reality

Just to sleep into a perfect fantasy

But as real as your dream may be

It’s unbelievable that this place you can only see

Once asleep.


Is this peace?

Will one wish to be dead?

Maybe for once I can live as one

With the visions in my head.

Am I living a dream of not being able to live out my dreams?

Am I living a dream?

Am I living?

Am I?

<a href=””>Dream</a&gt;


The Art of Verbal Violence

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I’m sure many people have heard this saying as children. Many of the same children began to grow up and realize that this is far from the truth. The new sticks and stones are words. Words are so powerful that it can effect a person’s life forever. Sit back and remember a time where someone said something to you that made your heart jump. Why did it affect you so much? What is it that the person said that made you want to crawl into a corner and reevaluate yourself? Is it insecurity? Many may say that it is. Did they ever talk about how that person can repeatedly say certain things that can allow you to think that you’re lower than what you are, triggering your insecurity that you kept locked away? For example, for a very long time, you didn’t think you were attractive enough to be in a relationship with anyone. You started to develop a sense of self worth and as a result, you ended up dating and falling in love with someone that took you as you were. That person could have been everything you wanted, AT FIRST, until the both of you started to get comfortable with each other.

“You know I can get anyone I want right? I mean look at you” that person says during an argument. That triggered something inside of you and you felt as if that person hit you with a bat but no physical contact was made. That person unlocked something that was inside of you that you wanted to keep locked away or at least under control. What do you do about it? Does it hurt? Why do words hurt so much to the point of self destruction? Is it because we are weak minded? Not at all, for the most part.

It is because that person is abusing you at your core and that is your mentality. People say mean things and we know this. But it’s those triggers that can hurt us. Once someone pulls that trigger then chunks of your mentality is splattered against the walls of your head. On the outside, you are physically  ok, but on the inside, especially in your head, you are being destroyed. This is the worst form of abuse. Physical abuse, don’t get me wrong, is a harsh way to abuse someone. But overtime, those wounds will heal even though the trauma will still be there. But verbal abuse can cut so deep that you will never forget what was said to you. Someone that abuses you with their words are very dangerous because that person can manipulate you into doing something that you wouldn’t normally do. They are in control of your mentality without you even knowing it. And the worst part about being emotionally abused is that it’s not readily seen. You may not have any idea that someone is being mentally abused and that is what makes mental abuse a dangerous form of abuse because words can cut very deeply.

Don’t believe me? Remember the last thing that you read. Did you feel attached to those words in the book or article that you were reading. Did the words that you read stick with you even after you were done reading them? Words are powerful and just like a book, words that are said to you, negatively or positively, can effect your state of mind. I’m pretty sure that you would rather someone call you a good person rather than an evil person. Depending on what kind of person that you are, you would feel hurt that someone called you useless knowing that, in your heart, you did everything you humanly could. Words, sometimes, can be stronger than fists. A bruised face still has a clear mind to make a decision and leave, but a bruised mentality along with a bruised heart can make it difficult to even calculate what you should do next.

If you or  someone you know are being abused or you think they are being abused by someone rather it be a spouse, loved one, or just a friend, please do not ignore the signs. Typically when someone is being mentally abused that person tend to make excuses for that person’s behavior or may appear distant when talking about that person. Do not pressure the person to get help or leave because, as I stated before, their heart and mentality are both bruised. Trying to get someone out of an emotionally abusive relationship is similar to trying to help someone with a bullet wound. The more you dig, the more it will hurt. It is best to have that person see for themselves that the person doing this to them isn’t worth it. Why would you want someone that makes you feel bad? You gained the strength to gather that self worth on your own. You used to be your own abuser. Do not allow someone else to abuse you the way you used to. If you do, then what’s the point in your own self worth? You are human just like them. You deserve the best life you can possibly have. Words shouldn’t effect you that way. Do you feel you deserve it? Think really hard about that question.

This is why I say that verbal abuse is an art because to successfully break someone down to their core, you will have to speak into their insecurities as well as their self worth. If you appear weak then that person will see you as an easy target for mentally abuse and manipulation. Be strong, fight out the words that are spoken and know that you will get passed this. No matter what form of abuse you are dealing with, with the support of others you will have the strength to support yourself and fix this situation so you can have the life you’ve always wanted and that’s a life of mental freedom.


Sometimes changes is needed to feel as if you’re doing something in your life to move forward. Sometimes the change isn’t welcomed and many people may say that you have changed for the worst. It really depends on the perspective. There are many people that I’ve watched change in front of my eyes. They don’t say hi anymore, they don’t call anymore and I begin to feel as though I’m the reason that caused that person to change. Am I being egocentric to think this? It wasn’t always like this but overtime things start to change and once things change, often times, it’s irreversible.

I’m not a very lonely person. I just don’t deal with many people. Even though I really would like to socialize with people, they tend to change so much that it’s hard to keep up with the motions. I’m aware that people change, but the changes are so drastic at time and so dramatic that that person isn’t the same person at all from the beginning. It’s like I’m getting to know someone else, not a person that improved in certain areas. A completely different person from what I’m used to is typically what happens when someone changes in my life and I don’t really like it too much. After years of knowing a person, to have them changes completely can be too hard to swallow.

I love change. I love good change. Sometimes you have to make change for anything to start happening in your life that is worth your while. This may be why many people are afraid of change because, just like death, they do not know what will happen to them afterwards. I’m sure that people have the best intentions when they intend to make a change. But down the line, those intentions become blurred and people just begin to see you as this vessel of a person sucking up the energy of those around you with your broadcasts of change to yourself and the people around you. Think about it. People brag about how much they are going to change or have already changed and it’s more bragging than embracing and celebrating the change, if anything. Why did you decide to change? Was the change for the better good or was it for deeper motives such as validation from the general public due to your personal insecurities and pre conceived feelings you have about yourself? Because in the deeper scheme of things, no matter what the change consists of, it all boils down to being unhappy. You have to truly be unhappy to commit to a change that has the possibility to change your outlook on yourself and others forever.

At its core, change isn’t too bad because for the most part, it does create better things for yourself and others, and it has the possibility to open up new roads for you. But change can effect the relationships that you had before you made that change. Change is good but people must understand that when you change yourself you will inevitably change your environment, your surroundings and your entire existence as a human being.

Are you ready for that kind of change?


The Philosophy of the Clean Room

As stated in my previous post, I analyzed the thought that has been studied by many doctors through many tests. Many other writers had written about it. Like in this article written by Don Scotti, “Clean Room, Clear Mind: Why Success Starts with Organization, Not Chaos.” This is a great article about this concept.

I believe a thought to be a pile of junk in the middle of the room For this conversation I’m going to say that is a thought that you’re trying to forget. You have two options. You can kick the mess to the side or you can get up and get a broom and a dust pan to clean up the mess right away. Many people may decide to clean up the mess later and others may want to clean the mess up right away. Knowing the person that I am, I may clean the mess later. With this in mind your room or, in this case, your mind, is not as clean as it should be. This is where people put the thought in the back of their mind and forget about it for a little while. This is where that forgotten piece of junk will hinder you later.

You meet another human being and they are nice enough for you to enter your room(your mind). When you find out that you suddenly have deeper feelings about this person, you then remember the lost mess that you swept in the back of your mind. You become more worried about that mess you start to build a proverbial wall around yourself. You begin to withdraw and in turn, problems begin to happen with your relationships with your friends, family and possibly a significant other. With this understanding, you begin to realize that you have to get rid of this mess before it becomes an even bigger mess. The things that are going on because of this small mess is now becoming bigger things with even a bigger mess with the then small mess, causing you to becoming lazy, exhausted, unmotivated and just plain tired of what life is doing to you. You then stop cleaning your room, you stop caring about your living space. This is all because your mind is cluttered with a big mess of thoughts of worry. You have to sit and begin to pick yourself up to clear your mind.

You begin to clean your room. Have you ever started cleaning and you’re just in the zone with the mess that your only determination is to clean up your room? The zone allows you to think about the issues that you are going through and you begin to clear your head subconsciously. You begin to place better thoughts in your head. You begin to develop new ideas and different ways to get yourself further in life. Your mind is becoming clearer and clearer the more you began to see your outside world  become a little better and a little cleaner. You’re putting pictures on your wall, your beginning to find new thoughts that you didn’t know were even there and you’re open now to invite more people in your room or inside your thinking space. Your mind is clear now and, with the logic of this study, your room is clean as well correlating with the clear mind that you may or may not have. I’m sure this doesn’t happen to everyone. Having a happy thought may allow you to develop three more unhappy thoughts. This is just a general concept that happens to the general majority of people that were studied.

Cleaning my room, though, helps me in more ways than one. I have to keep my space clear so I can be successful. I try not to have many pictures because too much home decor is just organized chaos. I don’t want to have anything to do with any kind of chaos. Having a clean room helped me keep a clear mind. It’s easier to now focus on my thoughts rather than worry about what’s the next chore to do for my room. With this new found focus, I’m ready to become free with me.



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